The War Within

It’s funny isn’t it. We look at people who are going through a challenging life experience like a burnout and we say to ourselves,

“They have a great life, they’re successful, well respected, loved. How is this situation beating them? They’re so bright, courageous, and resilient. I know they are - I’ve seen it, they’ve overcome much harder things than this”.

We often think about people as though they’re ‘singular’ - with one set of beliefs, one set of fears, one level of resilience, one way of processing emotions, one source of motivation, and one perspective on the world.

But people aren’t singular.  We have multiple parts to us. And each part has different beliefs, needs, and capacities for clarity, self-compassion, and self-love. These parts all co-exist, sometimes causing great conflict within us.

Maybe we want to shake off a difficult meeting and get some sleep but there’s a part that tells us we f*cked up and lost the respect of everyone in the room, so it keeps us awake so we stay vigilant.

Maybe we want to take up that hobby, learn that language, or go on that adventure, but there’s a part that tells us we don’t deserve to take time for ourselves because we haven’t worked hard enough.

Maybe we want to say “no” to something that drains us, but there’s a part that whispers we’ll disappoint everyone and be seen as selfish, so we say “yes” instead.

Maybe we want to go for that promotion or start our own business doing what makes us truly happy, but there’s a part of us that tells us it’s too risky and we’ll probably fail.

My burnout happened when these multiple parts of me were in so much conflict that there was a war.  A bloody one at that.

And “I” was nowhere to be seen.

My parts were leaderless. And they caused chaos.

I’ve come to learn that there are no bad parts. They’re all valiantly trying to keep me safe, protect me from the world, keep me from experiencing the ups and downs that life will always bring.

Our parts want to be seen and heard – they have important information for us – and when we listen to them, they settle. When I started to pay attention to mine, finding out what they believed and what they were afraid of, I was able to reassure them that “I” was here, and so they started to trust “me” more.

The me who is - and always has been - intact, whole, and complete.
The me who has a deep inner knowing.
The me who is the true essence beneath it all.
The me who watches, untouchable, unshakeable, and utterly unf*ckable with.

This me? Is MySelf.

Sure, my parts are still here and they still have sometimes highly unskilful ways of getting my attention. But we have a different relationship now. I listen when they talk, and they know I can handle whatever life throws at me. They're my team - and I love them (the little scamps!)

I wrote a poem about my war, just in case anyone else is in one right now - mine ended ok. Yours will too. YOU've got this.

Love, Katharine 💚💜